fear is meddlesome.
it really is.
it just cannot sit still
or to stay quietly
in one place
it wants to be everywhere
all at once
the cellulite bottom transplants itself
in nook and cranies
always moving
here and there
you see its gaunt visage
crackling and barring
its yellow rotten teeth
it knows the power
it holds.
Hopeless Romantic. Grounded Realist. Jaded Cynic.Indignant Sputtering of A Recalcitrant Insomniac
it still hurts. it does.
feel like having a squirming contraception placed right in the middle of your guts or winded after being knocked of your feet by a mob.
or better, hit by a stun gun.
you feel the shock, then the shots of pain that have you praying for numbness.
it shouldn't have. not after everything.
not after the recognition, after the resignation.
when you tought you have already replaced the venerable flesh with cold steel.
why the bloody fuck do I care still?
when it couldn't have been more obvious that they don't.
it turns out that the beating organ can do more than circulate blood, it can spasm and squeeze and freaking pains. when i can vouch that the particular function is safely eliminated.
oh, treacherous lump of nerves, dormancy have suited you so well, why doth thou shed it?
what must I face now?
feel like having a squirming contraception placed right in the middle of your guts or winded after being knocked of your feet by a mob.
or better, hit by a stun gun.
you feel the shock, then the shots of pain that have you praying for numbness.
it shouldn't have. not after everything.
not after the recognition, after the resignation.
when you tought you have already replaced the venerable flesh with cold steel.
why the bloody fuck do I care still?
when it couldn't have been more obvious that they don't.
it turns out that the beating organ can do more than circulate blood, it can spasm and squeeze and freaking pains. when i can vouch that the particular function is safely eliminated.
oh, treacherous lump of nerves, dormancy have suited you so well, why doth thou shed it?
what must I face now?
Monday, June 14, 2010
going around in circles is exhausting. even more so when you are doing it in your mind. the track is so winding, you feel as if you're in the dodo race. your feet accelerating to the starting box, only to the find yourself smack in the middle of a crowded room, filled with hanging sentences and then stumbling down to the ground in front of hedge wall inside a labyrinth made up with plastic bubbles.
to say i am confused and bewildered doesn't even begin to describe the ride.
even with jack sparrow's broken compass guiding you, you somehow knew you are not going to see the end of this journey, not anytime soon. the seatbelt is fasten, you have to see it through.
if only life have half the magical quality of an adventure, it wouldn't be so tiring.
i am beginning to understand alice's desire for home that has driven her all throughout the journey, for familiarity and one instance where nothing unexpected will leap at you, when you're force to re-assess even whether the grass beneath your soles are green.
i am left staring at the mud-filled glass, pondering the swirling patterns and wondering whether or not it would be worth it for me to lift my eyes to focus on the rising sun on my left.
it dawns on me, that i have no concrete picture on what to do with my life. abstract possibilities, myriad and tempting all of them, is all i could see. i also realised that i only have one lifetime, and i must focus on at least one of the said possibilities.
to take a magnifying glass and willingly blur the rest from your view.
excruciating task for me, who wants to experience all and everything at once. i do not have the patience needed to wait.
to say i am confused and bewildered doesn't even begin to describe the ride.
even with jack sparrow's broken compass guiding you, you somehow knew you are not going to see the end of this journey, not anytime soon. the seatbelt is fasten, you have to see it through.
if only life have half the magical quality of an adventure, it wouldn't be so tiring.
i am beginning to understand alice's desire for home that has driven her all throughout the journey, for familiarity and one instance where nothing unexpected will leap at you, when you're force to re-assess even whether the grass beneath your soles are green.
i am left staring at the mud-filled glass, pondering the swirling patterns and wondering whether or not it would be worth it for me to lift my eyes to focus on the rising sun on my left.
it dawns on me, that i have no concrete picture on what to do with my life. abstract possibilities, myriad and tempting all of them, is all i could see. i also realised that i only have one lifetime, and i must focus on at least one of the said possibilities.
to take a magnifying glass and willingly blur the rest from your view.
excruciating task for me, who wants to experience all and everything at once. i do not have the patience needed to wait.