Hopeless Romantic. Grounded Realist. Jaded Cynic.
my mind's in turmoil.
it's like there's so many jumbled up things up there..
congealed and overlapping.
one over, after another.
i want em to stop spinning.
my head that is.
n of course my treacherous heart n emotions.
won't stop exerting it's new-found influence on my heart.
it's time like this that i want numb.
nothingness can be sheer bliss sometimes, ya know..
it hurts, so much.
it pains me like hell.
i canna make it stop.
n i want end so bad.
like black clouds of fog, swirling and droning, on and on
relentlessly, never-ending.
do i even have a God to pray to?
even if i do
the absence of conviction
of faith.
its chaos
pandemonium.
hell.
i never wanna choose for anything
ever.
coz i never made the right choice anyway.
my life has taken a semblance of normality
there's quite a pattern over it.
routine n familiar can be nice.
soothing.
balmy as the sea breeze.
but i am so very unstable.
n i hate that.
i fear the words that out's of my mouth
my demeanour in general
i am so very impulsive
bordering on reckless really.
that trait has never serve me anything good.
i don't want connection
no link
to n with no one.
because i was always the odd one out
somehow
will i let myself belong?
i don't know.
i wanna sever
completely, if not cleanly
my ties with the world
n her inhabitants
family n relatives
foreign, bloody superficial concepts.
n yet i cannot.
how do i make it stop?
how do i feel the blank spaces?
so that i would never fall in, desist
n start to think.
of everything
then twist my guts into pretzels?
im not angry
im just tired
bone-weary.
i feel it down to my soul.
n i know no salve to sooth the abraded surfaces.
let alone herbs or ointment to heal
me.
