Hopeless Romantic. Grounded Realist. Jaded Cynic.
look, i'm a pretty simple girl.
i dont need much to make me happy.
all in all, i've got only two great dreams in life.
uno:
to study medicine, graduated up till Phd, and most important, be a doctor.
dos:
to study abroad, specifically UK.
ask everyone who really knows me, and they will attest and affirm of these dreams of mine is more than dreams, more than goals, more than passions.
these dreams is me.
they have defined who i am for all this while.
and after i got my results yesterday nite, both dreams are crushed.
mercilessly.
i've gone numb, refusing to even confront the fact that i've lost my 1st dream all this while.
that had been hell.
and now.............
i can quite console myself to that predicament with a simple saying.
que sera sera.
what will be, will be.
of reasons behind what has happened.
that maybe GOD has a better, divine plan for me, and that plan doesn't include me being a med student and a doctor.
that having to spend the rest of my life doing and being something that i absolutely loath and abhor is perhaps a blessing in disguise.
i am a muslim, and a mortal.
what do i know of divine's working?
none, that's why.
i've been trying my damnest to convince myself of all this when my heart is bleeding with pain, howling with grief.
and i failed in my endeavour, miserably.
i still ached. i still hurt.
don't tell me that it will all be alright.
because it goddamned never would.
the days that lie ahead of me is doomed and i have no means of escape.
i am stuck.
i am consigned to a life in which i had actively disdained all along, life of me as a lawyer.
to live your life as you contemptuously viewed others of that ilk, i have no more an accurate a description of living hell.
so, don't you dare come up to me and say, it will be okay.
because, by God i might be tempted to use my vicious tongue and actually inflict bodily harm to you.
at least, i had (foolishly)hoped, maybe, just maybe, since i have lost my first, i could realised my second.
wrong.
i want to go out of my country, so much.
i ain't overly patriotic.
as with others of my age and generation, no doubt.
i know that i cannot live in a community, in a country where i was, am and will be constantly judged and discriminated for being true to myself and my aspirations.
i've tried, for this last 19 years, as a matter of fact.
and i can sincerely tell you, i've had enough.
of being shunned for so many puny, inconsequential, little reasons.
for being disdained simply because i, a middle class, not-so-brilliant malay dared to reach across racial and class boundaries to actually, speak English in her daily going-ons.
no more of all this race and class crap.
no more, i tell you.
i've had fucking enough.
that's why i yearned so hard to escape this prison of a country and society and go away to a place where i can speak English without any racial and societal restraint to weigh me down and wear away my will and spirit.
and this is not possible anymore, courtesy of a piece of a paper.
a certificate that announces to the world that i am not brilliant enough to qualify me to go study overseas.
that in succintly simple words, i am an idiot.
that just by virtue of worded exams that did not in any way reflect the level of somebody's intellect, just sets of questions, my dream is denied.
for fuck's sake, I AM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT OR BIGOT!
those exams, in no way whatsoever, illustrates my true ability.
but entrance for any local university in based on those exams.
EXAMS THAT ARE NOT BEING RECOGNIZED IN ANY DEVELOPED COUNTRY ANYHOW!
i'll be damned if anyone that one look at my results of those exams and dismiss my application.
i survived ordeals by ordeals throughout these years mostly because i clung to those precious and cherished dreams.
now tell me, how can anyone truly live without any ambitions to support and drive them onwards?
they don't live, that's it.
oh, they breathed, and eat and walked and talked alright but they DO NOT LIVE.
i will be a zombie, and what a wonderful prospect that is.
an empty shell, a body with a bereft soul.
that's what i'll be....
