I've just figured something out.
the word's or more accurately frank wheeler's definition of insanity had been resonating through me.
"you know what insane is April? It's the inability to connect to people and to give and receive love."
hell, that's it.
what is wrong with my life.
by his figuring, i fit the bill to perfection.
i certainly am not living like any normal person should.
yesterday, i broke another personal record.
sure, i fell asleep around 5 am, the normal hours for me nowadays.
but i woke up some 16 hours later, around 9 pm, yeah, the night after.
holy crap, that is.
then, today, something hit me.
i have no contact at all with any other living person except in the most superficial of senses.
sure, i meet and greet people, facebook-stalk some, sms and call others.
but, i fell nothing at all towards any of those said people.
no, none, nada, non.
deep inside, i'm,
hollow.
yup, that's it.
i also divined why on earth do i clung so fiercely to those fictions, music.
cause they're the only thing that makes me feel.
anything at all.
because my life is just a shell, a pitiful imitation of a life.
only through those mediums, that i see interaction, human and otherwise.
those characters speak for me.
words that i wouldn't dare, have no chance whatsoever to vocalize.
they lived hundreds of lives that i shall never have.
moi?
i never lived.
i breathe, i eat, i talk ( meager words that's out of mouth at all), i defecate, i slept.
but i don't live.
not in realistic sense of that word.
i'm overwhelmed, bewildered.
so many things assailed my senses, my head, my heart.
yet i can only rationalize them all of my own.
i know this means that i'm lonely, in desperate in need of human companionship really but it goes deeper than that.
truly, i ache to live, to be with another human being, to able to truly call them my friend.
god, can't any of you see, i don't know how to be a friend?
my few skills have gone rusty from lack of use.
but i promise to try my best, to give my all, if only the right person is here.
those are romantic notions, i know, whimsical really rather than practical.
but was my sins so grave then, that my punishment is so very severe?
fuckall.
i walk the earth, i witness other people living their lives, miserable though most were..
but for me to just be a spectator from the sidelines, while the fire in me burn so bright, unthinkable for me even to think to quench, is totally unbearable.
i've got layers yes, but was use those would be if i'm all alone?
i'm raring not only for a guy, no.
just to live, ya know?
Hopeless Romantic. Grounded Realist. Jaded Cynic.
