slept away 14 hours today. think i shocked the housemates. now got a headache and listening to coldplay. saw some asasi people in a mag ( that's a reminder to me, never to take up a mag like that, no matter how in need of a distraction you are. no.) chose butterscotch and pecan cake at secret ( bad choice, decided that butterscotch is best only in ice-creams and bread) the fed won in a surprising turn, by a small margin though. ( not that much surprising, money was strewn across the streets of Hulu Selangor)  oh and chelsea's winning against stoke city.

bad, bad day.

human nature. not personality or character. but the innate sense of the self.

that is what determines our shapes and shades. the core of somebody.

this is what me must look for and divine upon meeting someone in order to know them. really know them.

prejudices and assumptions that comes with race or region, stereotypes of skin colour and religion. all of these can be put aside, layers peeled and laid aside, for they are merely surfaces.

to move forward with proper modes of conduct befitting a social setting, we need merely the shawls and coverings.

to reveal and see with clarity one's skin, the textures and hues, that is the true mark of  familiarity.

and this is where i stumble most of the time.

i do not posses the skill acquired by most people when they're in the sandboxes in playgrounds, the people's skill. still don't.

i try to make up for this by preparing way ahead of a social situation.

i create imaginary scenarios, with varying and flexible plots and casts. and hope to hell, by all the gods that if not the reality matches the rehearsal, at least it doesn't fall that far off.

well, it seems to work quite fine lately.

i'm getting better at sizing people up.

i just need to make sure i'm in my head all the time though.

i don't think anyone could actually lay claim on being the expert on this subject. because nobody can possibly traverse the whole of earth and cross time, father time being fictional and him being tied to a clock and that without him, the whole concept of life will be thrown into question and a reorganisation of everything will have to be prompted.

gee, can i digress.

anyhow, i'm still putting off on actually making a move in settling for a decision.

there's just too many things to be figured out and considered. and i'm a gemini, i'm notorious for indecision goddammit.

so....

i'll do what i always do, or ends up doing.

wait and see.

more like, impulse action according to the moment's hunch.

and regret everything afterwards, then putting blame on my being spontaneous.

like that is gonna help anything. or myself.

hell, the future's uncertain and guarantee is not given, so why bother?

lets live life for NOW.

if only i could hold on to this exclusively, and not entertain contradictory views.

be damned, i am thinkin a wee bit too much, aye?

"I dah tak nak menyusahkan my parents. Or my boyfriend. I nak try independent, atas dua kaki sendiri."
                                                                                                                                                    awa

should be inspiring right? or at the very least touching.

if only i could know for sure that she's not misguided about the whole thing.

she sees herself as having burdened off her 'loved ones' all this while, citing several examples of her used to being this whiny little bitch who wants mummy and daddy to get everything on her feet now and not a millisecond later. also of her boyfriend had in the course of their relationship, supported her life in a way.

you know, that's hella confusing. it really is.

how is it that when people close to you, family even being there when you need them could be seen in the light of you having put a weight on their shoulders, you feel you're not just troubling them, that this is not the way it should be? and you gottta put a stop to this. by trying to live by yourself, wearing a set of clothes fitted for independent people, leading a style of life that would flatter the outfit?

that's sheer ridiculousness.

my opinions when it comes to relationships, any kind of it, heavens know cannot be construed as reflective on anyone because honestly i hadn't been in close terms with that concept in quite a while. i cannot figure the head from tail of that thing you people indulges and glided in and out named 'relations'.

but i could still say that she is taking this in all the wrong ways.

aren't people who confessed to care for you would want to provide the things that would put a smile on your face, swat away the frowns from your forehead and not allow your tears to hit the ground? a moment of worry must be that, only a moment.

when they parcel away gifts, or help whenever they're needed, i call that demonstrating and proving their affections to you. and that you should be happy NOT guilty, or get it in your head that you're dragging them down, wearing their nerves.

damn you, that's the way it is.

granted, she sees things in black and white, she really could not see in any other way. it's annoying, how much of a simpleton someone could be, and how resolute they would be once they have hold on to a reflection that their handheld fogged-up mirror is showing them. when everybody knows letters are spelled backwards through them, images do too. so don't be fooled and think things are what the seem to be. they never are.

the trouble with her is that, she think all mirrors's surfaces's are clear and solid. again, the sceneries are fluid and constantly moving. make not mistake, the waters don't stay still for long. the currents that shape life will be in constant motion, no matter how long that moment have stretched on for. it will end, and things will move.

i know that. to suspend yourself in the present or to transplant yourself in the past will not work. nor does spending your time fantasising of a better, shining future.

because time is nothing but seconds flitting past us, sneaky and unnoticeable.

some people believe in time travel.
as in you could bend the known law and physics and deposits yourself by squezeing through certain loopholes in the sheer fabric of the universe and landing in times and places apart from you started.
that you build ingenious machines with the help of a mad-evil scientist bent of changing reality as we know it.
of there being no such concepts as past and future. that they're merely illusions to deceived most that time is actually moving.
things that has happened could and would reoccur.

im not quite sure, as in everyone about the time-travelling part but perhaps i will agree to the precept of deja vu.

it seems to me that my life is a series of events repeating themselves, with slight variations over backdrops and/or casts. but essentially, not dissimilar.

i see plans carefully thought over and made. i see them go awry.

i know and am convinced of one word as plausible and possibly acceptable explanation.

uncertainty.

how do you still
a swirling sea?

the churning that sent tremors
down your nerves
that leaves your skin tingling

when the dark waters splashed over the brim
of a container that's too full
to hold anything more than what
it currently has

to stay the tremblings
that gets your teeth chattering
echoing across a void
blank as a sheet
but stained with colours
that memories wrought

shades that are too bright to mute
and too loud to muffle

how to leave the spectrum behind
when every nuance is tattoed across your heart

the heart that's leaden
the walls dressed in peeling paint
coated with nostalgia

maybe the spoon in my hand
would not work after all
to scoop and empty
the vast waves of sentiments
that resides in my heart

just to use the other hand
to pour loads of experience
unto the space
scrapped and flattened

to fill it up again
and hear the boom that preceeds thunder
in lightning blots
that cracked open
the cloudy midnight sky

to embrace the waited-upon stars
to twinkle and shine their welcome
as they shouted their greetings

to a dawn
to a day
to a beginning.