Hopeless Romantic. Grounded Realist. Jaded Cynic.
wait, oh no, lets put her through the whole cycle of agony and anguish all over again!
what a cruel cosmic joke.
sakura had been subjected to an eerily similar predicament as last year's.
she has sworn, never again will she be consigned to that living nightmare of a life.
eh, surprise, surprise, she is!
my thoughts are much incoherent, i didn't posses the ability to think straight anymore.
my life has taken such a bizzare and absurd turn that for once, i have no idea how to react to this particularly delicious piece of news anymore.
i have no joy, no anger, no tears left in me, they were well and truly drained from me.
i couldn't have foreseen this situation in a zillion years.
to be dragged through the mud all over again.
to be left at the mercy of fate and received a crushing setdown from the hands of said fate.
i know i'm a muslim, that i'm not, never supposed to question the workings of destiny and fate.
que sera sera.
i've tried as valiantly as i can to hold on to those words, of reasons behind events all this while.
yet, i found that faith, or lack thereof is wearing down. really thin.
and all i could ask is this.
what exactly am i suppossed to be now?
a tormenting as it is, i've tentatively beginning to accept that through the workings of hitsuzen, of hidden reasons that i'm not supposed to be a doctor.
fine.
harder still, to make myself see that maybe for the same stated reason, i'm suppossed to be a lawyer.
i despise the job but it is quite acceptable, as it is a professional course, the career prospect is pretty wide.
okay.
now this.
management.
LIKE, WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK?!!!!?
seriously.
it's like sayin i'm not good enough to be a lawyer.
i don't want to be one, make no mistake about that but it is a respectable career. besides secure, it pays good.
this is a huge form of insult.
to add salt to injury, it's to be at a godforsaken uni in the middle of nowhere.
bloody hell.
look, i can picture being a doctor, in a pristine and sterile white building. or a lawyer, all black and white, twisting and spinning facts to their monetarial advantage.
but a goddamned manager?
i'm flat out mess, and you expect me to run a company?
you'll see the ruin of that enterprise within a week after im hired.
provided i can find a job in the first place, of course.
this is absurd. this is too ridiculous to contemplate, let alone bear.
i'm being pressured into an existence which i know will be nothing short of hellish.
i know me, okay?
i can be a bit stuborn sometimes.
and it will take years for me to get me to console myself to confront a particularly nasty situation.
i am the one who have to go there, stay there for 3 BLOODY YEARS, making myself truly miserable.
i am.
noboby else.
look, i've been through all of this before.
i wouldn't have to look deep to foresee what will happen there.
i can guess precisely and acurately what my reactions and everybody else's will be once i'm there.
i'm going to turn myself inward again.
i did one year.
it was sheer, complete and total hell.
i lost myself back there.
i return home tattered, only in pieces.
the experience left me bitter and cynical.
that was only one year.
i'll die before the three years is up.
inside at least.
no, i don't want to go there.
which sane human being would willingly jump into a familiar pit after just barely escaping it, battle-scared and toughened being recognition?
never.
but as it was, last year, there is no room for discussions, no options.
everywhere i turned, i stumbled upon impermeatable walls.
i want to take year off, to work a while and then resume with A level. then go do my degrees.
my mum is against it.
and i couldn't turn back and do my foundation as we have not the necessary fund.
my mum made that point unhesitatingly clear.
the only reason i went through last year is to prevent my family from being cast out on the streets and starving.
i made it sound so dramatic, didn't i? but it was nothing but the stark truth.
and i'll be damned if i were to be so selfish and subject them to that treatment this time around.
but then again, i am the one who had to go through all this, nobody else.
and i know, there is no way on God's green earth that i'm going to survive the three years there unscathed.
dear God.
is it too late to pray?
i don't even know what to pray for now..
