Hopeless Romantic. Grounded Realist. Jaded Cynic.
i think it's better this way.
when everything is muted down.
diffused
diluted
suffused with surreality.
its acting it out that's hard
to steel yourself
to harden and not care one way or another.
cause everyone after all, live solely and purely for themselves, to serve their ends.
how i wish i can deaden the impulse, to silence the inner voice, to paralyze the compulsion, to halt the instict.
compassion and altruism, i've come to learn, are alien concepts apparently.
to learn to be welcoming yet defensive, to strike that perfect, delicate point of balance
to be genial and cordial
yet aloft and distant.
i'm always the one to exact too much out of oneself, am i not?
if it's not so painful, it would have been funny as hell.
and we shall see, time and fates( those bitches) will reveal what shall have to be ultimately
sacrificed and who shall ache the most.
for i knew, deep in my marrows, that hearts will have to break
mine is just one of the many casualties.
it's just that
i don't know whether i'll be completely healed this time around.
the saddest fucking thing is that, i cannot dream, hope nor wish no more.
the ability is gone
forever? who knows?
God, maybe.
i'm waging a war, towards everything and everyone
i'm battling it out
and i am standing alone in the middle of constant skirmishes.
hell, how i hate to have to do this
they're my parents, family for goddess sake.
yet have they ever regarded me such?
i know they tried, gods know that they do.
they could never figure me out, never did, and i suspect never will.
is it me then, always wanting too much?
then you're saying love and affection is things that one need not be yearning of.
i know this not so.
is it my foolish romantic notions?
i knew i've read too many romance novels, they've coloured my views of people indefinitely.
fuck my sentimentality.
i posses this horrible tendency to let ideals instead of cold reality reign supreme inside me.
she said that i feel way too deeply.
that is most probably true.
fuckall, i've known better now, havent i?
holy damn, there's only so much that i can contend with.
