Hopeless Romantic. Grounded Realist. Jaded Cynic.
Indignant Sputtering of A Recalcitrant Insomniac

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


I DREAMED A DREAM FROM LES MISERABLES

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high,
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid
When dreams were made and used,
And wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung,
No wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hopes apart
As they turn your dreams to shame.

And still I dream he'll come to me
And we will live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms
We cannot weather...

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seems
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.

This song is poignantly reminiscent of me. The words are just beautiful and true..


Posted by Sakura Kira Hikari at 11:25 AM | 0 comments
Monday, June 22, 2009

my head hurts so much that it feels like it's gonna burst any moment now.

damn.

there's just so many things on my mind right now, God, it's beyond overhelming.

and i can't even cry.

to let all the grief, sorrow, frustration and disbelief pour out of me.

so many stuff in my head, chest and i have to bear it up all alone.

the best i can do is write it all out...

***************************************************
it seems so final.

had another heated argument with parents that again reduced me into tears.

we talked in circles, all circumventing around complex and complicated issues that refuses to be simplified or condensed.

it truly felt like deja vu.

it's really re-living the last nightmarish year.

the same scene, the same cast, the same props and even the same issues.

private vs public uni, my (lost) passion and dreams, second-grade vs professional course, financial woes, class boundaries, social perceptions, corrupt and flawed governance, vague future's prospects, total abscence of choice and fate's play...

i displayed a very uncharateristic rebellious and stubborn streak then.

we were all mulish in standing our respective grounds.

we all know i was probably correct and justified in my arguments and defense of my future life.

that was why the argument ended so abruptly.

***************************************************

but it seems to me somehow i've come to one finite point.

a point where, no matter how hard and long your resistance are, no matter how strategically placed your arsenal of weapons are, no matter how brilliant is your campaign's strategies are, there is a greater force at work and you have to lay down your arms and called for a temporary truce, an armitice.

i had steadfastly refuse to accept, give in, lest of all give up my stands without even fighting for my future.

and i am heartily weary.

i kept believing, kept praying for something to happen, to change this horror into something more palatable.

but with the arrival of the package by post this morning, it seems like my fervent hope is shattered beyond saving.

can anyone really blame for being dissillusioned at least a bit after all the faith i had hold on to have failed me?

************************************************
oh, we had an exorsist at our house this evening for a guest.

seriously.

apparently, there's been a series of supernatural disturbances that affected the household lately and we are in need of his expertise.

well, middle-class lot are of superstitous nature after all.

he did his thing using Quranic verses, jugs of water and pepper( truly, i'm not joking).

while the three of us ( amat, adik and i ) cower in my bedroom trying to act casual and nonchalant as if an exorsism ritual happening right in our living room is the daily going-on for us.

anyhow, he finished with "pagar" or "fenced" our house and proceeded to the next part.

cleansing us bodily from evil spirits. heh. seriously.

it was a spooky experience, i tell you, with the exorsist hovering somewhere on the background and our backs turned from him and muttering in guttural sotto voce under his breath.

the ambience is downright hair-rising and we did genuinely experienced some weird and strange feelings..

it was something you might rather past but i cannot deny missing it would also mean missing part of the unavoidable excitement.

hahahahahahahahahahahaha.....................................

* cue evil, twisted grin and shrill cackle *

**************************************************
my mum is going foward with all the papers and documentation that needs completion sans any cooperation on my part of course.

if she really wants to do it, i'm more than glad to wash my hands off and leave it in her hands.

she can do it. i'm not interested.

the wheel has been started in motion and it really seems that i'm powerless to stop any of this bizzare stuff fom coming to reality.

i'm just going to be as difficult as possible that's all, i'm going to conceal my bewildered hurt behind a facade of whiny, drama bitch. which i sooo not me.

the clock is ticking and these days of quiet serenity is slipping past my grasp with astonishing speed...

Posted by Sakura Kira Hikari at 12:22 PM | 0 comments
Sunday, June 21, 2009




i don't get angry easily.

in fact, rarely, if ever my temper got the better of me.

it is usually dor
mant as i am a compassionate and kind person by nature.

but this is one good exc
eption.

damn them all, they are the only people who can really get under my skin and really set my hulk meter to a boiling point.

i'm worse than green and gigantic now, i want to rage and roar and just tore into their hides!

huh, i sound like the kind of person who'd benefited nicely from a few sessions of anger management course. which i am so not.

*****************************************

those bollocks, DON'T THEY GET THE WORD PRIVATE AND PRIVACY???

clearly they don't.

*****************************************

you wanna know what did those jackasses did?

they hack into upu webite and found out my results.

worse, they tell everyone bout it.

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK THOSE SCUMBAGS.

apparently everyone knows bout it already.

goddammit, it's a private matter!

why in all fuck would you go and found out my stuff for???

shove that curiousity and false concern up your arse, you bloody nincompoop.

******************************************
it's not their first time however.

they did this once, with my spm last year.

even my relatives don't know bout that, and you go and decided to stick your nose into my private affairs and then announce it to the whole class!

like, WHAT THE HELL??!

where is your right to me that proclaimed it's okay for you to do that?

none, that's why.

*****************************************

oh my dear god, the mortification.

now everyone can affirmed their opinion of me as a failure.

shit shit shit.

i tried, to keep it relatively unknown and then some bright assholes decided to spread the word.

those people, not only they can continue to do law, but gets to do it in UM, UKM, UIA, whereverthefuckelse.

moi?

pathetic.

************************************************
oh, and i had an argument with my mum this afternoon.

apparently she has been labouring under the misapprehension that the reason why i'm flatly rejecting that bloody offer is because i want to go back to MSU and pick up foundation in science where i left it last year.

i admit, it does have an appeal, but it's not the sole reason.

i made it succintly clear to her that not the issue.

the issue is that i refuse to be subjected to the same rough spot i've been in last year.

just that it's worse this time around.

at least law has some redeeming qualities, being a professional course and all.

but that, uh huh, no way in hell baby.

i genuinely do not want to study that!

*********************************************

then, i had one of the "lightbulb over your head moment".

i could apply to study law in private uni!

damn, why didn't i think of that before??

since i am going to have to apply for PTPTN after all, there is no financial concern there!

of course there's a whole lot more of other factors to be considered (logistics, accomodations, accreditation) before it's final but at least it's something!

owh, the sweet taste of hope!

at the very least, my situation is not completely helpless anymore.

need further discussions with parents though and mum seems quite reluctant but i'll do something.

by GOD, i'm not going to sit by idly and accept the predicament without fighting with all my might first!

************************************************

i don't care, i won't forgive those goons for anything.

screw you all.

bugger off and leave my alone will ya?

you guys have no part in my life except of little remnants of my past that i desperately wish to overlook and hasten to forget.

there, offended enough?

get.off.my.life.


Posted by Sakura Kira Hikari at 10:37 AM | 0 comments
Saturday, June 20, 2009

happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to sakura,
happy birthday to me.


yup, i'm officially 19.

i feel weird, one year off from being 20,*shudder*.

it hasn't quite sunk in yet somehow.

but it will soon.

********************************************

i've gotten three birthday wishes and my facebook page is devoid of any.

i've always known that i've been quite a recluse presently and i can only count on approximately 4 people in the world to be called my friends but NONE?

seriously.

i'm a supremely practical girl, i get the reasons n stuff, i can soothed my abraded heart that it doen't really matter anyway.

that other girls got lavish parties and all the gifts they could ever hope and be thankful for.

that i've gotten none of those. no party and no presents.

it's just a birthday right, nothing much speciale...

***********************************************

but it is quite a different day from the typical ones i've had all this sem break.

my mum drove hazwani, her sisters, adik and me out to the mall around 3 p.m.

we decided to watch Night At The Museums 2 after a little deliberations and consolations.

it was hillarious, really tickled my funny bones...

since its going to be a while yet before the movie is on, we rounded the shops and grab a quick McD.

I found some the most wonderful pairs of shoes!

there's cute flats with studs, boots like heels ( really tall heels), wedges..

n cute cropped cardis, elegant blouses...

i must really start on my shopping list.. :P

***************************************************
God, why does it have to hurt so much.

it hurts. really bad.

i cannot put it out of my mind.

it's driving my insane.

that i've sunk so low as this.

that i've been ousted from any professional courses, that by virtue that goddamned fucking finals, i'm being forced to accept a situation so bizzare that i refuse even to contemplate it.

I'M NOT AN IDIOT. GODDAMNED IT, I'M BLOODY NOT.

that so many others have been accepted to do law, and i've been relegated to that.

no, it is not my wish to study and do law at all.

but it's a damned sight better than this!

****************************************************

no, i refuse to give in to the absurdity of the matter.

i absolutely rejects the notion of going with the flow.

i will not.

i'm going to pray my hardest for a divine intervention( however impossible that sounds), and a deliverence of a miracle.

BY GOD, I WON'T GIVE UP ON MY BLOODY FUTURE THAT EASILY.


Posted by Sakura Kira Hikari at 11:37 AM | 0 comments
Friday, June 19, 2009

just when i thought things couldn't have gotten much worse than this.

wait, oh no, lets put her through the whole cycle of agony and anguish all over again!

what a cruel cosmic joke.

sakura had been subjected to an eerily similar predicament as last year's.

she has sworn, never again will she be consigned to that living nightmare of a life.

eh, surprise, surprise, she is!

my thoughts are much incoherent, i didn't posses the ability to think straight anymore.

my life has taken such a bizzare and absurd turn that for once, i have no idea how to react to this particularly delicious piece of news anymore.

i have no joy, no anger, no tears left in me, they were well and truly drained from me.

i couldn't have foreseen this situation in a zillion years.

to be dragged through the mud all over again.

to be left at the mercy of fate and received a crushing setdown from the hands of said fate.

i know i'm a muslim, that i'm not, never supposed to question the workings of destiny and fate.

que sera sera.

i've tried as valiantly as i can to hold on to those words, of reasons behind events all this while.

yet, i found that faith, or lack thereof is wearing down. really thin.

and all i could ask is this.

what exactly am i suppossed to be now?

a tormenting as it is, i've tentatively beginning to accept that through the workings of hitsuzen, of hidden reasons that i'm not supposed to be a doctor.

fine.

harder still, to make myself see that maybe for the same stated reason, i'm suppossed to be a lawyer.

i despise the job but it is quite acceptable, as it is a professional course, the career prospect is pretty wide.

okay.

now this.

management.

LIKE, WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK?!!!!?

seriously.

it's like sayin i'm not good enough to be a lawyer.

i don't want to be one, make no mistake about that but it is a respectable career. besides secure, it pays good.

this is a huge form of insult.

to add salt to injury, it's to be at a godforsaken uni in the middle of nowhere.

bloody hell.

look, i can picture being a doctor, in a pristine and sterile white building. or a lawyer, all black and white, twisting and spinning facts to their monetarial advantage.

but a goddamned manager?

i'm flat out mess, and you expect me to run a company?

you'll see the ruin of that enterprise within a week after im hired.

provided i can find a job in the first place, of course.

this is absurd. this is too ridiculous to contemplate, let alone bear.

i'm being pressured into an existence which i know will be nothing short of hellish.

i know me, okay?

i can be a bit stuborn sometimes.

and it will take years for me to get me to console myself to confront a particularly nasty situation.

i am the one who have to go there, stay there for 3 BLOODY YEARS, making myself truly miserable.

i am.

noboby else.

look, i've been through all of this before.

i wouldn't have to look deep to foresee what will happen there.

i can guess precisely and acurately what my reactions and everybody else's will be once i'm there.

i'm going to turn myself inward again.

i did one year.

it was sheer, complete and total hell.

i lost myself back there.

i return home tattered, only in pieces.

the experience left me bitter and cynical.

that was only one year.

i'll die before the three years is up.

inside at least.

no, i don't want to go there.

which sane human being would willingly jump into a familiar pit after just barely escaping it, battle-scared and toughened being recognition?

never.

but as it was, last year, there is no room for discussions, no options.

everywhere i turned, i stumbled upon impermeatable walls.

i want to take year off, to work a while and then resume with A level. then go do my degrees.

my mum is against it.

and i couldn't turn back and do my foundation as we have not the necessary fund.

my mum made that point unhesitatingly clear.

the only reason i went through last year is to prevent my family from being cast out on the streets and starving.

i made it sound so dramatic, didn't i? but it was nothing but the stark truth.

and i'll be damned if i were to be so selfish and subject them to that treatment this time around.

but then again, i am the one who had to go through all this, nobody else.

and i know, there is no way on God's green earth that i'm going to survive the three years there unscathed.

dear God.

is it too late to pray?

i don't even know what to pray for now..


Posted by Sakura Kira Hikari at 11:26 AM | 0 comments
Sunday, June 14, 2009

" What's the world's greatest lie? It is: that at a certain point in our lives , we lose control of what is happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate." ~The Alchemist

Posted by Sakura Kira Hikari at 10:07 AM | 0 comments
Friday, June 12, 2009

look, i'm a pretty simple girl.

i dont need much to make me happy.

all in all, i've got only two great dreams in life.

uno:

to study medicine, graduated up till Phd, and most important, be a doctor.

dos:

to study abroad, specifically UK.

ask everyone who really knows me, and they will attest and affirm of these dreams of mine is more than dreams, more than goals, more than passions.

these dreams is me.

they have defined who i am for all this while.

and after i got my results yesterday nite, both dreams are crushed.

mercilessly.

i've gone numb, refusing to even confront the fact that i've lost my 1st dream all this while.

that had been hell.

and now.............

i can quite console myself to that predicament with a simple saying.

que sera sera.

what will be, will be.

of reasons behind what has happened.

that maybe GOD has a better, divine plan for me, and that plan doesn't include me being a med student and a doctor.

that having to spend the rest of my life doing and being something that i absolutely loath and abhor is perhaps a blessing in disguise.

i am a muslim, and a mortal.

what do i know of divine's working?

none, that's why.

i've been trying my damnest to convince myself of all this when my heart is bleeding with pain, howling with grief.

and i failed in my endeavour, miserably.

i still ached. i still hurt.

don't tell me that it will all be alright.

because it goddamned never would.

the days that lie ahead of me is doomed and i have no means of escape.

i am stuck.

i am consigned to a life in which i had actively disdained all along, life of me as a lawyer.

to live your life as you contemptuously viewed others of that ilk, i have no more an accurate a description of living hell.

so, don't you dare come up to me and say, it will be okay.

because, by God i might be tempted to use my vicious tongue and actually inflict bodily harm to you.

at least, i had (foolishly)hoped, maybe, just maybe, since i have lost my first, i could realised my second.

wrong.

i want to go out of my country, so much.

i ain't overly patriotic.

as with others of my age and generation, no doubt.

i know that i cannot live in a community, in a country where i was, am and will be constantly judged and discriminated for being true to myself and my aspirations.

i've tried, for this last 19 years, as a matter of fact.

and i can sincerely tell you, i've had enough.

of being shunned for so many puny, inconsequential, little reasons.

for being disdained simply because i, a middle class, not-so-brilliant malay dared to reach across racial and class boundaries to actually, speak English in her daily going-ons.

no more of all this race and class crap.

no more, i tell you.

i've had fucking enough.

that's why i yearned so hard to escape this prison of a country and society and go away to a place where i can speak English without any racial and societal restraint to weigh me down and wear away my will and spirit.

and this is not possible anymore, courtesy of a piece of a paper.

a certificate that announces to the world that i am not brilliant enough to qualify me to go study overseas.

that in succintly simple words, i am an idiot.

that just by virtue of worded exams that did not in any way reflect the level of somebody's intellect, just sets of questions, my dream is denied.

for fuck's sake, I AM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT OR BIGOT!

those exams, in no way whatsoever, illustrates my true ability.

but entrance for any local university in based on those exams.

EXAMS THAT ARE NOT BEING RECOGNIZED IN ANY DEVELOPED COUNTRY ANYHOW!

i'll be damned if anyone that one look at my results of those exams and dismiss my application.

i survived ordeals by ordeals throughout these years mostly because i clung to those precious and cherished dreams.

now tell me, how can anyone truly live without any ambitions to support and drive them onwards?

they don't live, that's it.

oh, they breathed, and eat and walked and talked alright but they DO NOT LIVE.

i will be a zombie, and what a wonderful prospect that is.

an empty shell, a body with a bereft soul.

that's what i'll be....










Posted by Sakura Kira Hikari at 10:18 AM | 0 comments
Saturday, June 6, 2009


I went to Ipoh today!

*Cue ear-to-ear grin*

I am so super excited for this jaunt since it's been a while since I got to go on one.

The last I've been to has been all the way to the northernmost part of Malaysia, the Cross Northern Malaysia Trip, we crossed Perak, Kedah, Penang and, Perlis. That was a shopping sojourn.

This excursion however, is to attend a wedding reception of my parent's good friends, that of their daughter's event.

I woke up pretty early, (for my standard) which is a little after 9 o'clock.

I got to wear my elegant dinner dress just for the occasion!

It's a shimmering navy satin Baju Kurung adorned with jemeki and beads in swirling pattern across the dress, the wrist and the hem. I paired it with plain cream scarf pinned with a single black pearl brooch and a matching bracelet set with sparkling stones in simple swirly pattern and also, my precious white pearl and diamond ring. I take the trouble to bring out my special pair of black kitten heels with velvet bow to complement the whole look.

My extra efforts were worth it though, when I saw upon my arrival that most of the crowd present are dressed to the nines.

Hmm, it just goes to prove the theory that people dress to impress at weddings...

I kept nodding off all the way there, but hey, I'm deprived of vital hours of sleep here okay?

The event was held in a hall inside of a white-washed building with a colonial architecture.

We got there just in time for the couple's entrance into the hall.

The wedding was between a bride of Pakistani descent and a Malay groom. A mixed-culture marriage you may say.

Since this is the reception on the bride's side, naturally the elements of Pakistani culture is resplendent in almost every aspect of the reception. From the Bangra music, the cuisines, up to the decor and the dresses.

I noted with a small amount of jealousy the prettiness of the bridesmaids with enviable features of pert noses and classical quality of their smiles.

I too, posses some Pakistani blood, coming from my father's side but it seems like I inherited only the bad genes for I have very little resemblance to those beauties. Well, maybe a little, on the nose...

The couple was decked in exquisite dhoti and salwar khameez of red and gold fineries.

My father was obviously in his element. The dishes served were to his taste, the guest mostly looked like him...

The food was okay, not quite bad but I personally loved the golden ball-shaped laddu.

The fathers of both bride and groom made heart-warming speeches, congratulating the couple and delivering subtle advices in subjects of marital harmony for the benefit of the couple.

My family and I stayed until after the cake-cutting ceremony and left shortly later, in quite a hurry if I might mention it, maybe on the pretext of giving way to the crowd forming at the back of the hall, waiting for emptied tables in order to be seated.

The real part of the road trip is on the way back.

We went on the North-South Highway on our way to Ipoh from our house but my dad opts to go through another route for the return leg, i.e. the Federal motorway.

While the Highway promises soothing sceneries of lush wooded hills, the motorway calls for a more relaxing pace along transient suburbs and tranquil villages.

The journey was mostly silent but frequently interjected with outburst of humorous banters among Amat, Adik and I. Those rare moments of delights are perhaps the highlight of the whole trip.

Talking bout jokes, something funny happened on that journey....

The sun decided to go on full steam today and the weather is scorching. Although the air-cond is on, the atmosphere was quite stifling, our throats were soon parched.

My idiot brother spotted a HPA stockist and my dad decided that hey, why don't we relieve our thirst by buying HPA Cola?

I objected to that decision because I didn't really favour the flavour of that particular Cola and it's a very biased decision on his part. I know he's big on halal products, I am too but, he would never have reacted as swiftly if I asked to stop at a McDonald's branch to buy drinks.

I said, on the basis of principle, I'm going to hold on to my thirst and wait to buy other drinks; I am not going to drink that cola.

Since he stopped anyway, I thought what the heck, I'll go and get us some choc ice-cream. I said choc eventhough my fave ice-cream flavour is vanilla because the HPA's version of vanilla ice-cream is not at all nice, the choc flavour however, is very good.

Only after mum paid for the whole purchase that it occurred to me, how exactly are we going to eat the ice-cream?

There were no spoons in the car!

As soon as we realised that, we erupted into shouts of frustrated laughter, at my (understanble since I'm dehydrated) lack of foresight and the fact that we cannot enjoy the ice-cream over something as ridiculous as that.

So we all have to wait to devour the ice-cream, and me, to satisfy my thirst for a while as the nearest town after that is quite far way.

I was saved when dad pulled over a petrol station and I got myself two tins of tea and juice and at last, spoons for the ice cream.

By then, the ice-cream was melted for quite a bit. Haish...

Moral of the story, have a spoon readied in your car in case of emergencies like this... :P

Anyhow, the journey continues and then we stopped over at Mini Bazaar Changkat Jering.

There weren't a lot of people there since it's quite early for a crowd to gather, the normal hour would be after 6 p.m.

The stalls were not as crowded and squished closely together as the one we went to in Alor Setar, and the offerings that ranged from foodstuff to textiles were not so varied, often the stuff are repeated at intervals. The walkway was very narrow though.

We bought some traditional snacks and delicacies there.

Then, we passed through Kuala Gula, the attraction site for bird-watchers and nature-lovers alike.

Unfortunately for us, it wasn't the migrating season so there's little to do but to enjoy the waterfront before continuing on..

Since we are already passing through the area of my grandparent's ancestral home, my dad decided that we ought to pop in for a while.

We did, and to our patent surprise, Mak Teh and her broods and Mak Tam are there.

It was pretty rare for us to chance a meeting with each other so coincidently, considering we infrequently, if ever cross each other's path these days, with everyone so busy it seems...

And we have Amat with us too, which is an even exceptional occurance, as lately he seems to take an exception in travelling along with the family, well he's a teenage boy with raging hormones, that would explain it.

We stayed for quite a while, catching up on news about each other.

We got home right after dusk sets in after starting our road trip earlier in the morning.

All in all, although the later parts of the journey were unplanned for and unexpected, it was satisfying and fun in a weird way. We were there as a family unit and that is the coolest part of it.

Sorry coz it's a really long post but I've tried to write it as succinctly short and precise as possible and I hope I succeeded.

I wish I'll be able to write about a voyage like this soon in the future...

Au revoir....


Posted by Sakura Kira Hikari at 12:51 PM | 0 comments