Hopeless Romantic. Grounded Realist. Jaded Cynic.
my head hurts so much that it feels like it's gonna burst any moment now.
damn.
there's just so many things on my mind right now, God, it's beyond overhelming.
and i can't even cry.
to let all the grief, sorrow, frustration and disbelief pour out of me.
so many stuff in my head, chest and i have to bear it up all alone.
the best i can do is write it all out...
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it seems so final.
had another heated argument with parents that again reduced me into tears.
we talked in circles, all circumventing around complex and complicated issues that refuses to be simplified or condensed.
it truly felt like deja vu.
it's really re-living the last nightmarish year.
the same scene, the same cast, the same props and even the same issues.
private vs public uni, my (lost) passion and dreams, second-grade vs professional course, financial woes, class boundaries, social perceptions, corrupt and flawed governance, vague future's prospects, total abscence of choice and fate's play...
i displayed a very uncharateristic rebellious and stubborn streak then.
we were all mulish in standing our respective grounds.
we all know i was probably correct and justified in my arguments and defense of my future life.
that was why the argument ended so abruptly.
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but it seems to me somehow i've come to one finite point.
a point where, no matter how hard and long your resistance are, no matter how strategically placed your arsenal of weapons are, no matter how brilliant is your campaign's strategies are, there is a greater force at work and you have to lay down your arms and called for a temporary truce, an armitice.
i had steadfastly refuse to accept, give in, lest of all give up my stands without even fighting for my future.
and i am heartily weary.
i kept believing, kept praying for something to happen, to change this horror into something more palatable.
but with the arrival of the package by post this morning, it seems like my fervent hope is shattered beyond saving.
can anyone really blame for being dissillusioned at least a bit after all the faith i had hold on to have failed me?
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oh, we had an exorsist at our house this evening for a guest.
seriously.
apparently, there's been a series of supernatural disturbances that affected the household lately and we are in need of his expertise.
well, middle-class lot are of superstitous nature after all.
he did his thing using Quranic verses, jugs of water and pepper( truly, i'm not joking).
while the three of us ( amat, adik and i ) cower in my bedroom trying to act casual and nonchalant as if an exorsism ritual happening right in our living room is the daily going-on for us.
anyhow, he finished with "pagar" or "fenced" our house and proceeded to the next part.
cleansing us bodily from evil spirits. heh. seriously.
it was a spooky experience, i tell you, with the exorsist hovering somewhere on the background and our backs turned from him and muttering in guttural sotto voce under his breath.
the ambience is downright hair-rising and we did genuinely experienced some weird and strange feelings..
it was something you might rather past but i cannot deny missing it would also mean missing part of the unavoidable excitement.
hahahahahahahahahahahaha.....................................
* cue evil, twisted grin and shrill cackle *
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my mum is going foward with all the papers and documentation that needs completion sans any cooperation on my part of course.
if she really wants to do it, i'm more than glad to wash my hands off and leave it in her hands.
she can do it. i'm not interested.
the wheel has been started in motion and it really seems that i'm powerless to stop any of this bizzare stuff fom coming to reality.
i'm just going to be as difficult as possible that's all, i'm going to conceal my bewildered hurt behind a facade of whiny, drama bitch. which i sooo not me.
the clock is ticking and these days of quiet serenity is slipping past my grasp with astonishing speed...
