Hopeless Romantic. Grounded Realist. Jaded Cynic.
i truly am envious of those people that could take things in a stride.
the ones that managed to do the unthinkable (at least to me), of convincing themselves of better things in their life that is yet to come.
in a situation where hope is made to look and seem downright chilidish, ridiculous and absurd, they made it look as if it is going to be alright, somehow.
how?
the power of positive thinking?
sod it, then.
coz i'll never be able to master that, even if i have yoda, obi-wan kenobi, mcgonagal and dumbledore all combined as my tutors.
its just not in my nature to be finding silver linings, ain't me at all.
that's my curse i guess.
of not being able to look at the brighter side of things.
only to concile myself with the realities, of wallowing in self misery, perenially.
i'm ranting and raving because of thr confirmation by those dastardly officers who is so bloody crappy n useless to anyone n themselves that i definitely cannot change my programme till 2nd sem. provided that i scored well, of course.
procedures, my arse!
fuck em, fuck em, fuck em.
screw those gud-for-nothing jackasses.
i really am furious. indignant and wholly upset doesn't even begin to describe the turmoils in my mind.
he, that sonofabitch, almost reduced reduced me to tears, in public, no less!
meeting him, reminded me all over again why i hated averange malay guys, not that i needed that much reminding.
so, its final then.
i do have to go on with this shitty course, at least for another sem that is.
I RESOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO CONTINUE.
how much clearer must i make myself, this time around?
goddamn it all.
i do not give a fuck what others wanna think or say bout me.
moi belatedly n humbly realised n acknowledged ur proferred pieces of advice.
i do so.
but, i shall have my right to either take it or reject it.
i know i can be willful, headstrong n stubborn with my stands sometimes, i do have my reasons, thankyouverymuch.
but please note this.
i am the one living my life.
the one who have to meet up all those people she tried so hard to avoid,
the one studiying the subjects that totally overwhelmed,
the one that have to confront her one after another deteriorating exam results,
the one that helplessly watched the remnants of her dreams n hope shredded to pieces, n impotently, powerless to stop it all from happening,
the one who have to stoop and collect those pieces,
the one that is hanging to her slippery hold on faith.
me.
no one else.
the pain, the hurt, all mine.
so, spare me the necessity of saying, you can shove your well-wishes up your ass.
because, i know, you know, that nobody cares.
mom is definitely not talking bout this, shes beating around the bush, dodging her way around.
damn it, you are my mother, please, stop hurting both of us and confront it head-on.
don't go wishing for time to work it's magic, and the problem will fade into nothing.
coz it wont.
while you're attempting to ignore, i'm living here.
jeez, will you ever get it.
i can no longer filter and soften my words, my expressions are transparent enough for anyone to see.
truly, it is some form of liberation.
when yo no longer care overmuch.
when you get the revelation, you've had it with it all and start to grasp the bull by the balls.
