Hopeless Romantic. Grounded Realist. Jaded Cynic.
omigod.
it's beeen superbfuckingly long , and trust me, sooo many things have happened since my last posts.
heh, where do i start?
let my unscramble my jumbled and tangled memory. i swear i've got cobwebs up there.
and i don't care if this entry is gonna take every single available inch of my blog, i'm goin to make a clean breast of everythin.
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well, the most momentous occassion would be my stay at hospital because of my falling sick.
i got back from uni sunday nite and the whole 'fetching me back home' business is kinda hurried because the whole one-week off that we got was actually an eviction, expulsion of some sort.
ya know, what with everyone buzzin bout the H1N1 pandemic thingy, i guess either someone got it real bad and perished or hundreds of students caught it, it's that bad or they wouldn't have shut it down so abruptly like that.
the whole thing's a scare and it's a real, n valid concern, as it should be.
i started coughin like around 11 am tuesday n my temp steadily rose, i've got headache n the acommpaniying body aches.
the symptoms are all there n since i'm already asthmatic, although i tried to put on real brave face bout it, dismissing it as nothin but common flu, i was scared n give in to parent's urging to go check it with doc at bm hosp.
the idiot gave a packet of panadol and house arest order. damn him.
i went through the packet of meds and still, the fever won't go down or cough lettin up, so i went to kulim hosp this time around....
me: rummate saye demam, saye dari uum, *coughing like mad*, saye ad asthma.
doc: kamu ade symptoms dia *with a peculiar n slightly scared look*......
the next thing i know, i got admitted into Wad 3 as a H1N1 suspect.
and i end up staying coped up in that isolation ward for almost a week, bored the daylight out of my mind, *pun intended*.
it was years since i was last warded, so yeah, i've gotta admit i do appreciate that slight twist of fate.
bored, hell yeah but it was nice being in hospital again. :)
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being stuck inside a room (albeit a lovely air-conditioned one), heavily medicated n at the receiving end of frightened looks dominated my week really.
n yes, although my feeling towards my family is undergoing changes for the worst, i'm quite forced to re-evaluate as the scenes is so bloody reminiscent of the one's in my past.
my parent's visits, n my sis n my bro, damn it all.
talkin bout me n my family, i've got a terrible secret to confess.
i'm disillusioned bout them.
no longer do i blindly love my family members.
i do not know whether it is a part of growing up process.
something happened, it is as if a veil is ripped from my eyes and i'm forced to view my family from a whole new and different light.
and i stumbled into a revelation. a painful but inexorable one.
they don't love me.
oh, but of course they do. just in the most superficial of ways. they'd save my life, i think but would never risk their live's in the process.
not in the way that i want them to, expect them to.
they don't care of my interest, of my feelings. they simply don't.
in all my teenage vulnerabilities, i've clung to home n hearth as some sort of sanctuary.
i've jumped at every chance in returning home last year only to receive crushing setdowns by the people i thought can most comfort me..
they hated my trips home.
i wouldn't go as far as to say that they hate me, (although amat may beg to differ on that on point).
but i'm certain, they do not cherish me.
but now, as i'm going through this stage of my life, i've come to the realisation that i've been a naive, foolish, idealistic dreamer.
and now i'm well on my way in becoming bitter, cynical and jaded.
but perhaps i'll talk bout that in a later entry...
in my bewildered hurt, i've found ashley tisdale's song, how do love someone, just perfect, the one that i can relate to most at the moment.
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now both adik and amat is sick.
haish, i'm worried like hell for them.
and i'm going to have to go back there, and i find the prospect not as daunting as i would've expected it to be.
perhaps it will come later, the awful dread i mean.
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till later then. au revoir.
